Simon15

SIMON JAMES BRUNTON
19th July 1982 - 18th April 1998

What is it like to die?

Despite his deteriorating condition Simon always had a smile, a joke, or a wave for whoever was on duty at the hospice or whoever came to see him. We talked and talked and answered all his questions except one. What is it like to die? What is it going to feel like? What could we say? We couldn't lie to him, we just didn't know what it was going to be like for him to die. The last thing we wanted was to tell him something that sounded like a fairy story and then for his last thought to be that we had lied to him. He may have been very sleepy because of the morphine, but when he was awake his mind was as sharp as a razor and we weren't dealing with a little child, we were dealing with a young adult.

One evening Simon really surprised us by saying that he wanted to go to bed in his room, so we made a double bed up and lay down beside him. We could make it feel as though we were cradling him in our arms, something we couldn't do when he was sitting in his 'big chair'. As we lay there beside our dying son, I silently asked God for guidance. Please God, let me be able to answer his question about dying, give me the knowledge I need to be able to give him an answer. We were never the kind of parents who fobbed their children off with flippant answers and lies just to get out of a sticky situation. We had always been as truthful as possible with our children.

I must have dozed off because when I next opened my eyes I was no longer cuddling Simon, but was just laying beside him. I saw that he was resting comfortably so I closed my eyes again, praying for God to give me the strength to be able to find the right words to answer Simon next time he asked me "What is it like to die?" That was when God gave me the answer.

I became aware of my breathing, deeply and evenly, then all of a sudden I was gagging and I couldn't get my breath, my chest tightened, I panicked, I tried to sit up on the bed and couldn't, I COULDN'T BREATH! The whole feeling lasted about five seconds, then I felt my chest loosen and felt a 'lightness of being' and saw a bright white light which I started towards, but then I caught a glimpse of Simon on the bed and MYSELF LYING NEXT TO HIM! Oh my God, I thought, you are taking me instead! Oh my God, NO! I wasn't afraid to die at that moment, but I was scared because I knew that God would still take Simon and then Vince would have to cope with both our deaths. Oh God, don't take me now, I need to get Vince through the pain of losing his son. I can't go yet! And with that I felt a struggle between my body and my spirit, I had the tight chest back and the feeling of not being able to breath, I was panicking again. Then I awoke! I sat bolt upright on the bed expecting to feel a commotion around me, but both Vince and Simon were sleeping peacefully.

angelsgarland by angelicartistry

Now some people will say that it was JUST a dream, I don't believe it was. It was just too vivid for a dream, I believe that God had given me that experience so that I could HONESTLY tell Simon what it was like to die. The next day I told Vince about my experience, he looked at me as though I'd gone loopy, but then he was used to hearing my spiritual theories. I spoke to Simon about what had happened to me and I was able, with a clear conscience, to tell him what I thought it was like to die and I said it with such conviction that he couldn't doubt it.

In the days after that conversation Simon seemed to relax more and be more at ease. We talked a lot and he slept on and off because he was on such great doses of morphine. The doctor said Simon should not have been able to stay awake at all with all the morphine he was having. Huh, they didn't know our son or just how determined and spirited he was. Anyway he drifted in and out of sleep and every single time he woke up we were there with him, we would just tell him how much we loved him and then he would drift off again. During his wakeful periods we would talk and cuddle, laugh and cry, he always had a kind word to say to all the staff whenever he saw them. For days and days he continued to astound the staff by still being alive when they came back on their next duty. His favourite carer, Colette, the mad scouser, had gone away to visit her family in Liverpool, but that didn't stop her phoning up to check on Simon. He made a great impression on all of the Rainbows staff with his courage, determination and cheeky sense of humour.